Things that make me smile

Vanilla Sky
Emmy Rossum
Apple products
Ikea Furniture
Driving
350z's
Learning
Laughing
Beer
Jameson Irish Whiskey
Epic Movies
The Medieval
King Arthur
JRR Tolkien
The Lord of the rings
Proving and Defending Stereo Types
Jim Sturgess
Inventions
Flat screen tv's
Mountains
Big Sur area
Ambition
Old Books
Corduroys
Blackberry
Macaroni and cheese
Being in my early 20's
Duality
God
Paul the apostle
Twitter
Christmas
Cameras
Creation
My niece Jordan (1yr. old)
My huge family
Spontaneity
living for something bigger than yourself.
Buying homeless people food.
The word "epic"

No Vancancy in the Hotel Forfeited

I was found in the fire next to so many others, I was beaten and maimed, now I am lifted and tamed. I have rescued what was left in the interrogation room. the light was fixed in my eyes and pulled away to reveal the silloueted figure. not the enemy, not my foe, but my saving grace, my great physician. It has been scaled to size right in front of my eyes, I blame noone for this act of arson, this act of treason. The pain fades and I have caught a glimpes of the lining, that eludes even the most enduring. Speak now or forever hold your place in line, forgive now or forever hold yourself responsible. There is no room in this place for the desperate cries of a person that has left for the obscure. No room in this place, no room in my arms.

Let us feel...

10:30 pm Sunday night.



Flying down the 91 fwy, windows down, in my 350z. I love this car.



Kings of Leon is blasting.



A lucid sense of euphoria is racing through my veins. I welcome it with open arms. Safe and elated, I smile. I have not felt this in a long time. I am enjoying it to the utmost. I don't want to let it go.



I exit the freeway. The feeling is gone, though I am still at peace. It feels as if I had just gotten off the largest roller coaster in the world, and am enjoying remembering the experience.







For those of you that don't know me, this past year(s) has been particularly rough for a man (boy) of 22 yrs. Death, loss, and failure have been the theme of my life for going on 1 1/2 years now.



I have become numb. That is the way I have coped. No feeling, no remembering, no thinking. Thinking only serves the worst purpose in my case. I avoid.



I have felt the lowest low. Looking at cutlery sets rather too fondly. Drinking my self into a blubbering idiot. Falling into the most unsettleing sleep imaginable. Dreaming about the pain, and feeling the physical ramifications even in sleep. This was the most, as C.S. Lewis in The Problem of Pain would put it, numinous aspect of it.



These lows we feel are REAL. We are feeling them, tasting the bitterness, hearing your heart scream, your eyes stinging, and your body burning with fever; it then translates into a physical pain. For me it was in my stomach. You can't escape it, and that just furthers the extreme sense of helplessness.





It is extreme and inescapable and cannot, or will not rather, be pawned off as juvenile and immature emotion that can be explained and remedied. The question that I was then faced with is, what about the extreme opposite? Which we can and do so often, pawn off as useless emotion. Why are we aloud to accept pain as reality and dismiss happiness as an irresponsible fallacy?


I have not yet found the answer to that question, only a cure. Ready for it?

FEEL.

Feel everything. Even if it hurts, just feel.

Do not dismiss emotion, EVER. It was given to us as a gift from our Creater. He gave us the gift of feeling to set us apart form the animals and everything inanimate. Let us not forget that we have this gift for a reason. To love. To love extremely. To feel it in the depths of your soul and embrace it.

So the next time you find yourself trying to rationalize your feelings, stop. They cannot be rationalized. They are yours.

This is the first

I just created this blog today.

I have a lot to say, and only roughly 60 years to do it.

I'll get on it right after I take a nap.